The smiley

why not? just two keys...
To let you know what ain't truth, to keep you happy,

:)

just two keys.

As simple as missing a little to the right.
Just two keys :(

Second Home

I got down the bus in hyderabad at six in the morning. The climate was a pleasent one with sun blotted by the clouds. Looking around I felt the familiar surroundings. I felt like I was coming home. with the back pack and the laptop bag, I started walking.

Some thing is different. I can feel it. Its not the same as always. I felt like something is not quite right. It dawned slowly upon me. The place is still my home, a second home that is; But I'm not supposed to be here anymore. I'm an alian here.

love and like

When it all started, never thought it would end this way. Was always a thing of joy. Always feel happy when around. Liked. Wanted to have it all. Asked, if hates. Asked if its okay to be with. Thought its fine as long as doesn't hate.

Now its different. Liked even more. Started loving. Unlike earlier, feelings mattered. The fact that doesn't like started to hurt. The realization that doesn't even mind breaking up did it.

Broke up.

ps: The post was created as an experiment, to remove all the tangible subjects(like he, she, it) from the post.

Scared

Yeah, I've been away for quite some time and quite a lot of things were happening in my life. There is this girl I liked and I proposed and she accepted me as well. We were going out and I believe she likes me. But there is still a lingering doubt how any one can like someone like me. And weather she really likes me or thinks I'm an okay sort of guy.

Its been four months or so and we've got pretty close. But still I feel there is a veil between us. May be my idea of privacy is different from her idea of privacy but I don't wish to hide anything from her, while I expect the same. If we are to share our lives in future, I believe we need to understand each other, but she is still an enigma to me. She is smart, yet naive; caring, constantly scolding; loving, hiding; talkative, secretive!! I don't expect anyone to like me. But I'm glad she does. And doubt if she really does. Afraid she might not. Hope she does.

I know where this is heading. I don't wanna go there but can't steer away. Well, let time decide where I might end up.

for her

He hugged her tight and said, "I will die for you."
She smiled: "I know! Can you live for me?"

She held his cheeks in her hands and kissed him on the forehead.

Inspired by Wiseling's

rose

He kept staring at the lonely rose, pink like her lips, more beautiful than ever, and even more lovely as it sways in the breeze. It seems to be asking for her.

This was inspired by n's 55. Though I didn't understand the significance of 55 words, I wanted to try something similar. And I ended up with this 160(as in 160 characters). i picked it up because its the capacity of a single SMS. Trying to capture my imagination in 160 characters, not 1 more, not 1 less :)

Rejected

note to self: Learn to bake better cookies.

devil's play

he: Eventually, finally, ultimately, you shall get married!
    Eventually, finally, and Hopefully I shall get married!
    So tell me, Why can't we marry each other? Would you please consider marrying me when you decide to marry?

she: (:P) I didn't decide to get married. My dad decided to marry me off.

h: Say, Would you like it, if I go to your dad and ask him for your hand?

s: He would kick you out.

h: Ahh... I'll take care of it all. What do 'you' think?

s: You don't stand a chance.

h: And why wouldn't I?

s: Because I won't give you any.

h: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you like me.

s: Did I ever tell you so?

h: No, I assumed it. Thats why I apologize.

s: Hey, you needn't; may be I should. I got my own reasons and its not because of u; it is all because of me... so i can never accept anyone. I'm sorry...

Now guys, What could the reasons be?

Still puzzled about the title and the dialog? They say idle minds are devil's play ground. This is something that my idle mind hatched. So do play along and find some curious reasons. :) Here are my guesses.

• If he's good and he doesn't have a chance means... If my guess is right, she is committed!
• or may be heart broke
• or may be married..sakhi/saathiya style ;)
• This one's a big story. Once upon a time, she was in a railway station waiting for her train. A couple came running for the train on the other platform but missed it. As the train left the platform, it revealed a bunch of guys with big axes and long swords on the other side of the track. They came on to the platform and brutally hacked the couple to death. Seeing that incident made her mortally terrified of love.

Geez, I'm watching too many telugu movies. Now, it's your turn to be creative guys.... :)

The Windy day

Today the winds are strong and little short of depicting a brewing storm. What is it going to be? Just a passing thing or is it going to lash out strongly across my face? I don’t know how this is going to turn out. But I’m definitely looking forward for the calmness after the storm. Is it to come or is it just another dreamy wish of me? How do I know what is the right thing to do when I can’t even think clearly and blank out every once in a while.

No it isn’t the peace. Its still the dreaded cold. I’m still as lost as ever and I don’t seem to be making any progress. Is this the end of it all? Today finally even I went so far as to ask not to talk to me. To be true, I’m loosing trust I had in myself. My little world is coming apart and I can’t do anything about it save sit & watch or let go off of it all.

Now that we have come this far, let me try to describe myself. I’m a cry baby. I try to make people guilty and get things done on their empathy. I’m vile and cunning; always plotting and manipulating. No matter how noble a name I give it, deep inside I know that I lie, I cheat, and get things done through scheming and holding others scapegoats. So why should she like me? I never did anything for her. What ever I did, I did it for the impression and not truly for her. The one thing I could do for her, as she asks it, to leave her alone, I couldn’t do it! So what’s the meaning of all the “I love you” s?

So that means I love no one else besides me. What about pinky? She used to love me so much. I ignored her and cried foul when she did that. I hurt others and don’t want them to hurt me back. She still loves me and can’t forgive me for what I’ve done. Some times, you can’t simply plug a hole you’ve poked. And that is really the reason she hurts me. But still I tell my self that she hurts just because she found another. If it’s one person who hated me, It’s their problem. I could possibly forget and move on. But if everyone hates me, then it’s my problem. I need to do something and I don’t. Instead I just withdraw into myself. When I do that even if there is somebody who comes near me. They will move away. Who wants to be friends with someone who always talks about himself, rants to be more precise, I might have a chance if I’m more cheerful. But Marvin seems to be more cheerful than me.

Let me try…. I will talk less from now on, and listen more. My phone bill must go down. K I’ll save more and earn a little and spend less. I’ll always keep a smile on my face. J I won’t expect anything, or I will expect like always, but try not to be bogged by the failures. I will leave Swetha as alone as I can ;) . I will apologize to Pinky truly and won’t show any excuses. I will read more and try fewer jokes :P

May be someday after I stop making outgoing calls, may be I’ll receive a few incoming calls. May be after I stop spending I’ll get a few gifts. May be my smile will fill joy around me. May be after I stop being the crybaby, Swetha will give me the kiss. May be Pinky will stop trying to hurt me. May be… Just may be…

My Sister

What do I tell about her!!! She is a perfect little angel. For me, she is everything. But for her, Nothing is anything. She lives a simple life. But makes mine complicated at every step. All my fears, hopes, wishes, disappointments, desperations.........nothing can reach her. She is superior to every kind of stress. I could never be like her. Neither could I stop wishing to be.

For those who can see, there appears a contradiction. If I can be like her, then I won't be passionately attached to any thing. I can't be so emotional as I'm now and couldn't possibly seek to be like her. So after all I love her so much that I can't think my life without her presence. So essentially I don't wanna be like her.....Does it make any sense now? Never mind...cuz, if it doesn't probably you never felt love the way I feel it.

She is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Her eyes speak of all the joys of life without slightest hint of caution. Her very presence fills me with the joy of living. But like any other, I'm only human. I'm greedy....and I think the needy can wait. There is a void inside me. I miss her even when she is with me. I don't know what I'm missing. But I know this much, I want her and I need her. She is the soul of my existence.

I know I'm not any good at creative writing. Neither can I quote any great poets. I read many poems/prose written for the beloved girl of the author. But none of them were ever written for a sister. At least not the ones I know of. This is a gift for my sister, something I wanted to give her for so long.....my self.

Do I love her??!!!!

Note: Some how this post turned into a draft. So I'm posting it again :)

Love is a paradox

The same old question, why?

Why do you not like me? Why do you like someone who talks sugar coated words when he has the need and toss aside when he realizes the uselessness. Why did you have to give the advantage to him over me, the advantage I gave you. Why did you pass it on to him, an unworthy swine? You wonder how I could say that about him? Try telling him that my opinion matters and I bet he would be this totally different person. I know that isn't the case and thats why I am expendable.

"why do I always go back to him?", you ask? because I've been humiliated. Why doesn't it bother you a bit? Am I not your brother? Is the world I've been living in nothing but an illusion I've cast around myself? What is the meaning of all the times we've spent together? Are you simply being courteous to your guest which I mistook for affection? Guest I should be. You didn't even come to my home.

Is the humiliating moment I was put through a reflection of your own wish to settle the score with me for all the embarrassment I have caused you? Why did I end up like this? While the other impressed you enough to get away with whatever he he did? Do I have to talk with two faces like him to win you over? What about everything I believed in? What about the honesty and integrity? I know, I'm not perfect. I lie and I cheat. but never once did I make a promise I knew I couldn't keep. And not even once did I go un-atoned for my failure to keep one.

Am I trying to picture myself in all the virtuous unanimity while making an ugly pig of the other? I don't know. This is the picture I see, with my naked eye, putting myself at the center of my world instead of you as I always would. I've been humiliated and tossed aside by you and your --what ever--. I'm hurt and I wanna cry. I understand that in a situation like this I would hate anyone who put me in this pain and angst. But strangely enough, I can't get angry with you. I want to, that would make me hate you and make me feel better. Remember the old adage, "One can only hurt you if you let them."? But somehow I can't. The more I try, the only feeling I could nurture is a bitter disgust towards myself. Is this what love is? I don't know. This is what I certainly mean when I say I love you. But may be tomorrow I'll meat someone else who will make me feel a different set of emotions which make me realize that is real love and not this. We are always moving and we always learn. Then again, It could be possible that this is real love and nothing else, I could never know. But till proved otherwise, this is what I believe in.

Tell you what, If it means to give up everything I ever believed in to be liked by you, I will say no thanks. Yes, there are times when I said and thought I should change for winning you over. But if it has to be leaving the lofty ideals pounded into my head since I was a kid, I would let it pass. I would rather be myself and be hated rather than kill my personality and be liked. I don't know how that sounds to you, to be told that the one you believed who loved you more than anything else wouldn't care to change a bit for your sake. If it hurts, I'm really sorry. But remember, I always told that I was never sure which one tops my priority list, weather you or me. And yes, even after all this, I'm still confused and uncertain about it. And if I can't love myself, how could I love you? It would be laughable if I let go of myself and say I would hold you till the end. I love you, truly.

Do you remember my dear, earlier, when everyone complained about my driving and expressed concern regarding riding with me, I always used to say that I don't have any concern for my life and am reckless about it, but I do understand the value of another's life and would be responsible for it. I always believed that if I die, it is the end of everything. There wouldn't be anything to regret about and --what the heck-- the very notion of regret, right or wrong wouldn't have any sense. I can't say that now. I can't throw away my life when ever I want. I think I told you this a few days back. I believe I should live on even if I have to endure the pain in it. I have to be at your side. I want to take you in my arms and hold you forever. And if you don't realize it yet, you gave a purpose to my life. I always said, "There is a purpose for every persons existence.", didn't I? Now don't get me wrong. I believe while this isn't the whole deal, this is a part of it. And you might or might not know, in my world, there is only a success or a failure. I don't believe in part-work-done philosophy. If I fail in one, I fail in all. I can't let go of you.

See, my 'Why?' did give some answers. But they aren't complete yet. They don't speak for themselves. I want to look more into myself and find what I am really and what I've become. Thank you, my dear, for telling me to take time off to stop and think it over. Now at least I can give a direction to my thoughts and feelings. I would have asked you the same but I know what would be the answer. Ask yourself, is it true?

Good night sweetheart. with love, subbu