Fear...is the mind killer

The day before yesterday I wanted to die. Yeah thats right! This post would not have been posted.

So what happened? I was chating about it with some one and the more I talked of it, the more I was afraid of it. Finally my courage failed me. So Can I call it lucky? no, absolutely not.

This is what actually happened. THe night before, I had rather bad dreams, And I woke up with really bad head ache. I lay there in bed all day with it. By evening, My posn got worse and I had vomiting. Felt like I was in hell. It was as if my head had turned into lead, I can't think anything. That coupled with my latest disappointments lead me to think that I should quit. But some where deep within my reason kicked into my mind the doubt weather It's really what I want or weather it is momentary desperation. So I thought I should see how long I could stand it. Thats how I ended up chatting about it.

It feels rather silly now. But I don't even want to dream about that day. I couldn't even talk about it to any one over here because I'm afraid if my dad gets to know about this, he will be all upset and worried.

There is another angle for the whole thing. I can't stop thinking about this. Those who would have discouraged me then, would now say that I faked it for sympathy. Can't no one ever think simple and act simple? Why do people always screw up things with ridiculous ideas and customs? I can never understand

I'm sick of these fake computer language subjects

Yeah, this became most irritating when they want me to build a database app in C or java. Now that's an easy thing. After all everyone else already completed it. So whats the problem unless if I'm a dunder head?

Well, here is the catch! If I'm to make searches and d-base operations efficient, I'm supposed to use data structures which recide in RAM, which is volatile. So I'm supposed to use files to save the data. But then the file access is going to become one hell of a bottle neck to the whole program. I mean, I have to load the entire file contents into RAM. That's a sickening job. Okay!! I can use files them selves as nodes of data structures,i.e, use one file for each record and instead of further pointers in record, I can use filenames. But that's gonna make use of file system, which is not mine and in no way am I gonna let it be included in my code efficiency, esp. when the prof. insisted on importance of DBMS over File System. I'm not gonna go against him or his word.Yeah, I can create a dummy file and use raw access to create a virtual non-volatile memory space and build my data structures there. But I'm not allowed to do so because, "That's out of the scope of the course". Enough of this faking studies. I give up.

PS: Plz scroll down to find another new post dated a little while back to the time when I started writing it.

A snack

Have you ever heard of somebody waking up at 4:20 in the morning, brush the teath, fix an omlette, eat it and then again fall back to sleep?

I mean how many of us wake up to have a midnight snack(though the time is early in the morning..). If one wakes up for water finding himself thirsty, it is quite understandable and common place.But this...oh boy.

Sometimes I'm surprisingly crazy, even to my self! If you haven't understood the seviarity of the comic situation, let me tell you that I'm the kind of guy who stays in bed after awakening for half an hour minimum, not understanding what is what. Then brushing, cooking and eating on pure instinct? this is the most unnatural thing I've done in last few years when I became more of a machine.