The Windy day

Today the winds are strong and little short of depicting a brewing storm. What is it going to be? Just a passing thing or is it going to lash out strongly across my face? I don’t know how this is going to turn out. But I’m definitely looking forward for the calmness after the storm. Is it to come or is it just another dreamy wish of me? How do I know what is the right thing to do when I can’t even think clearly and blank out every once in a while.

No it isn’t the peace. Its still the dreaded cold. I’m still as lost as ever and I don’t seem to be making any progress. Is this the end of it all? Today finally even I went so far as to ask not to talk to me. To be true, I’m loosing trust I had in myself. My little world is coming apart and I can’t do anything about it save sit & watch or let go off of it all.

Now that we have come this far, let me try to describe myself. I’m a cry baby. I try to make people guilty and get things done on their empathy. I’m vile and cunning; always plotting and manipulating. No matter how noble a name I give it, deep inside I know that I lie, I cheat, and get things done through scheming and holding others scapegoats. So why should she like me? I never did anything for her. What ever I did, I did it for the impression and not truly for her. The one thing I could do for her, as she asks it, to leave her alone, I couldn’t do it! So what’s the meaning of all the “I love you” s?

So that means I love no one else besides me. What about pinky? She used to love me so much. I ignored her and cried foul when she did that. I hurt others and don’t want them to hurt me back. She still loves me and can’t forgive me for what I’ve done. Some times, you can’t simply plug a hole you’ve poked. And that is really the reason she hurts me. But still I tell my self that she hurts just because she found another. If it’s one person who hated me, It’s their problem. I could possibly forget and move on. But if everyone hates me, then it’s my problem. I need to do something and I don’t. Instead I just withdraw into myself. When I do that even if there is somebody who comes near me. They will move away. Who wants to be friends with someone who always talks about himself, rants to be more precise, I might have a chance if I’m more cheerful. But Marvin seems to be more cheerful than me.

Let me try…. I will talk less from now on, and listen more. My phone bill must go down. K I’ll save more and earn a little and spend less. I’ll always keep a smile on my face. J I won’t expect anything, or I will expect like always, but try not to be bogged by the failures. I will leave Swetha as alone as I can ;) . I will apologize to Pinky truly and won’t show any excuses. I will read more and try fewer jokes :P

May be someday after I stop making outgoing calls, may be I’ll receive a few incoming calls. May be after I stop spending I’ll get a few gifts. May be my smile will fill joy around me. May be after I stop being the crybaby, Swetha will give me the kiss. May be Pinky will stop trying to hurt me. May be… Just may be…

A trip home

This week has been eventful. I came home, got a new lapi, and even gave my sis a surprise birthday party. Not everything has been what I call sweet though.

To start with I had an exam, a viva, a research report and a project proposal to complete before I could leave the college. I gave the exam which turned out to be as nasty as ever. I gave the RI report which isn’t any good. I got the prof to postpone the viva and I’ve put off the project proposal for a later date.

Then came the nice part. I came home in AC 3tier sleeper when I paid only the fare of the sleeper class and that too with doubt so as to whether I would get accommodation et al. Even the car was placed right next to the place I got down the foot bridge. The journey was uneventful and satisfying with Betty and good ol’ Jeeves (of Wodehose) to keep me company. I gave a pretty good cover-up of the issue and managed so as to not let the word get across to my second home, preserving the surprise element.

When I’m home I got the lapi from dad and got the net going good on the home PC too, There are a few temporary set backs and lapses. For one, I try as I might, I can’t get HDD to take the primary master slot on the IDE channel. No amount of configuration seems to help, with the constraint of the limited IDE cable length which can’t reach from one drive to another and mobo in the way I want, I even tried removing the connectors and re-crimping them but to no avail. So I guess installing OS X is nto going to be easy on this setup. Neither was it on the lapi. The lapi keeps screwing itself up in different ways with apparently no difference in the installation. I even tried many clean installs after erasing and zeroing out the partition. The biggest hurdle it seems to me is about preserving the existing windows xp home preinstalled and recovery partitions while being too lazy to backup the whole thing. Other than that, the custom windows I made at college seems to be working just fine, though it needs a little more work.

The rest is fine at home. I had a spot of trouble with my health back there but its allright. Later I got into fight with mom for her negligence about my room. And dad gave me a little lecture over that.

Then there is the surprise B’day party like I’ve mentioned earlier. It demands another post of it’s own. After-all, all the events I listed here are side shows, while this is the whole purpose of the trip.

One more thing I should probably add is about the problems back at college. The RI report was not good enough for a pass grade but professor hinted me at possible extension (to the dead line) so that I won’t have to stay back for another whole sem. But that’s not all, though it’s the worst. The UMA TA as at it again sending an ominous sounding template mail again for my absence in the Monday lab. Let him go to hell, I’ve already told the prof I won’t be in the college and asked for viva postponement and this lunatic actually expects me to be in the lab? Rats. Then there is the prof herself who wanted to see me and another guy urgently, we must have screwed up the midsem or something. I wouldn’t be surprised and I mailed her back reminding her of my absence. She didn’t reply so I don’t know how she took it. Well, what ever it is, it got to wait till I’m back in the college and breathing.

Hmm, what else what else?

My Sister

What do I tell about her!!! She is a perfect little angel. For me, she is everything. But for her, Nothing is anything. She lives a simple life. But makes mine complicated at every step. All my fears, hopes, wishes, disappointments, desperations.........nothing can reach her. She is superior to every kind of stress. I could never be like her. Neither could I stop wishing to be.

For those who can see, there appears a contradiction. If I can be like her, then I won't be passionately attached to any thing. I can't be so emotional as I'm now and couldn't possibly seek to be like her. So after all I love her so much that I can't think my life without her presence. So essentially I don't wanna be like her.....Does it make any sense now? Never mind...cuz, if it doesn't probably you never felt love the way I feel it.

She is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. Her eyes speak of all the joys of life without slightest hint of caution. Her very presence fills me with the joy of living. But like any other, I'm only human. I'm greedy....and I think the needy can wait. There is a void inside me. I miss her even when she is with me. I don't know what I'm missing. But I know this much, I want her and I need her. She is the soul of my existence.

I know I'm not any good at creative writing. Neither can I quote any great poets. I read many poems/prose written for the beloved girl of the author. But none of them were ever written for a sister. At least not the ones I know of. This is a gift for my sister, something I wanted to give her for so long.....my self.

Do I love her??!!!!

Note: Some how this post turned into a draft. So I'm posting it again :)

n7710 - A review I never completed :)

YAY, it's finally here. The Nokia 7710 rocks.

I already had gprs and up went the browser as soon as I got it. (actually I made my first call to my sister and my first sms to my best friend) The first site I hit was gmail. It's a real browser test. as expected, it had fallen back to basic html view. The javascript support in the inbuilt browser is not to the mark. Also it supports iframes but is buggy, I had to disable frames support to login. other wise it simply refuses to go any further.

next thing I did was download agile messenger and connect to yahoo and gtalk. Here again there is a glitch. If you connect to both the services you can't use the off line messaging.....

Intelligence

Knowledge is the answer to the question 'why?'. Knowledge, as they say, is wealth. But what use is any wealth that can't help us? That brings us to another question -- 'how?'. How do I do this? How do I do that? How does the chicken cross the road? How on earth am I going to write an essay on intelligence? ;) etc etc etc. Now answering those requires intelligence, esp. more so if you are pretending to answer that last bit.

'How?' So where does the answers come from? From our knowledge of course! We compile that knowledge with a little bit of creativity and get new 'solutions' to the problems. Or... do we? The Zen says that there is nothing like a problem and the solution. Everything is the same. The object and subject is one and the same. Then what are these so called solutions? They are nothing but a perspective of the problem. And the intelligence is the way of looking at 'knowledge'

Love is a paradox

The same old question, why?

Why do you not like me? Why do you like someone who talks sugar coated words when he has the need and toss aside when he realizes the uselessness. Why did you have to give the advantage to him over me, the advantage I gave you. Why did you pass it on to him, an unworthy swine? You wonder how I could say that about him? Try telling him that my opinion matters and I bet he would be this totally different person. I know that isn't the case and thats why I am expendable.

"why do I always go back to him?", you ask? because I've been humiliated. Why doesn't it bother you a bit? Am I not your brother? Is the world I've been living in nothing but an illusion I've cast around myself? What is the meaning of all the times we've spent together? Are you simply being courteous to your guest which I mistook for affection? Guest I should be. You didn't even come to my home.

Is the humiliating moment I was put through a reflection of your own wish to settle the score with me for all the embarrassment I have caused you? Why did I end up like this? While the other impressed you enough to get away with whatever he he did? Do I have to talk with two faces like him to win you over? What about everything I believed in? What about the honesty and integrity? I know, I'm not perfect. I lie and I cheat. but never once did I make a promise I knew I couldn't keep. And not even once did I go un-atoned for my failure to keep one.

Am I trying to picture myself in all the virtuous unanimity while making an ugly pig of the other? I don't know. This is the picture I see, with my naked eye, putting myself at the center of my world instead of you as I always would. I've been humiliated and tossed aside by you and your --what ever--. I'm hurt and I wanna cry. I understand that in a situation like this I would hate anyone who put me in this pain and angst. But strangely enough, I can't get angry with you. I want to, that would make me hate you and make me feel better. Remember the old adage, "One can only hurt you if you let them."? But somehow I can't. The more I try, the only feeling I could nurture is a bitter disgust towards myself. Is this what love is? I don't know. This is what I certainly mean when I say I love you. But may be tomorrow I'll meat someone else who will make me feel a different set of emotions which make me realize that is real love and not this. We are always moving and we always learn. Then again, It could be possible that this is real love and nothing else, I could never know. But till proved otherwise, this is what I believe in.

Tell you what, If it means to give up everything I ever believed in to be liked by you, I will say no thanks. Yes, there are times when I said and thought I should change for winning you over. But if it has to be leaving the lofty ideals pounded into my head since I was a kid, I would let it pass. I would rather be myself and be hated rather than kill my personality and be liked. I don't know how that sounds to you, to be told that the one you believed who loved you more than anything else wouldn't care to change a bit for your sake. If it hurts, I'm really sorry. But remember, I always told that I was never sure which one tops my priority list, weather you or me. And yes, even after all this, I'm still confused and uncertain about it. And if I can't love myself, how could I love you? It would be laughable if I let go of myself and say I would hold you till the end. I love you, truly.

Do you remember my dear, earlier, when everyone complained about my driving and expressed concern regarding riding with me, I always used to say that I don't have any concern for my life and am reckless about it, but I do understand the value of another's life and would be responsible for it. I always believed that if I die, it is the end of everything. There wouldn't be anything to regret about and --what the heck-- the very notion of regret, right or wrong wouldn't have any sense. I can't say that now. I can't throw away my life when ever I want. I think I told you this a few days back. I believe I should live on even if I have to endure the pain in it. I have to be at your side. I want to take you in my arms and hold you forever. And if you don't realize it yet, you gave a purpose to my life. I always said, "There is a purpose for every persons existence.", didn't I? Now don't get me wrong. I believe while this isn't the whole deal, this is a part of it. And you might or might not know, in my world, there is only a success or a failure. I don't believe in part-work-done philosophy. If I fail in one, I fail in all. I can't let go of you.

See, my 'Why?' did give some answers. But they aren't complete yet. They don't speak for themselves. I want to look more into myself and find what I am really and what I've become. Thank you, my dear, for telling me to take time off to stop and think it over. Now at least I can give a direction to my thoughts and feelings. I would have asked you the same but I know what would be the answer. Ask yourself, is it true?

Good night sweetheart. with love, subbu