Today I had a little chat with Shruthi and her friends. We talked a little about my first crush. I just remembered about the account of the whole incident on my web site (now scrapped down :( ) and wanted to post it on this blog. Actually it looks like a letter addressed to her. That's how I thought I could put my feelings in their best. So here is how it goes...
Story of a full moon day ...
...and what follows
Hi…(Should I add 'dear' as ever)
I don't know whether I should write this or not!
I don't know what you will feel about this!
I don't even know whether you read this or not!
But I'm writing this to pour down my heart.
To start with we first met on the day of Inauguration of computer Lab in our school. When u waved your hand as I entered I realised I don't know you. That’s what solitude of twelve years made me. I’m even afraid to shake hands with you.
That evening when we were sitting at the nursery play ground, know what I thought of you? You are swinging in the dimly lit ground with your hair flying behind you. (I’m not a poet but this is how I can describe my experiences.) Stars twinkling in the sky and you on the land in a black sari with your face glowing like a second moon.
“She is an angel.”
That’s what I thought. I think you won’t mind it. I don't think I was ever mistaken about your beauty!!!
I might not have had a bike for my self if not for you. Remember? Once you laughed at me for not knowing how to ride a bike.
Later on when I saw you with your friends I saw a good friend in you. A friend in whom I can trust my feelings, One with whom I can share my emotions, a true FRIEND. This is the first time ever I wanted to make friendship with a girl. Oh, yes. I have some friends who are girls. But I never really tried to be friends with them. They are either childhood friends or ones who themselves made friends with me. So I tried to be very cautious. I’m shy even to hand your birthday gift to you. That’s why I made so much delay in it.
You have never seen the really careless mischievous rascal in me. The only time when it ever came close was when I joked (tried to joke to be precise) I would marry you. I felt so relieved that you took it light but still not able to settle down I pleaded sorry for that later on. I always tried to be decent and a good guy with you.
When you asked me “IF you had any such feelings towards me, don’t talk to me or contact Me.”, I was hurt, but reasoned my self ‘if only I had anything like that, but I’m safe’. That’s why I continued to come to you. But when I knocked your door to offer the sweet the way you are looking kind of down to me like a criminal I felt so bad for my self.
I wanted to talk to you and straighten out the things. I called you on when you are going back to your home. You instantaneously replied “bye”. “You are looking forward for me to get lost”, the very thought drove me crazy I’m going out of control. So I quickly said you’ll not see me again and came off before anything goes wrong. On my way I thought running away means accepting the wrong. That’s why I asked your sister to pass on the message that ‘I’m not running away’.
I don’t hold anything against you. You thought like an ordinary girl and behaved the same way. At least that’s what my sister told me. I still have a crush on you. You are my first and only crush till now. But I don't think you should be bothered about it. I have crush on many a geeky gadgets. But I never try to grab 'em all. I agree you are not the same as those things. You are much much more. You actually mean something to me. life is never the same without you. Me saying this is saying something because It's not in my nature to care about anybody. But you are some one really special. That’s what I meant earlier when ever I said I had a crush on you.
Whether you believe this or strike it out as bluff, its up to you. I’m not going to beg you to believe me for the simple reason that I don’t want to force your my thoughts on your opinion. I tried my level best, and that’s what I’m supposed to do I believe.
Looking forward for your friendly hand…
Yours ever,
Subbu
Yeah I did sign off subbu and I don't like everyone calling me that. But remember this is a letter to a girl so special to me. And those who are near and dear always call me subbu